Month: June 2014

I Am My Own Worst Enemy

Before & After

Before & After

For as long as I can remember I have constantly battled with my weight. I started to notice I was different around the age of 7. I was tall and chubby and far different from all my friends and cousins. As a kid I always had an idea of who I wanted to be and what I wanted to look like but my reality was always exposed when I looked in the mirror. I guess I always wanted to be looked as a delicate flower, some sort of a princess ballerina but I was always seen as cute, chubby, bubbly Jade. My mum always encouraged, forced me to lose weight in the past but I guess when you feel the pressure from a parent to be/ look a certain way the rebellious side tends to come out and I always did the complete opposite (secretly). I guess I can sit here and blame the dysfunctional childhood I had with my dad, being mistreated and neglected by him and all the drama he caused for my mum and myself but the truth is I LOVE FOOD. I am 100% a foodie! I love the comfort it brings, I love to cook, I love to chill out on my own (I love my own company) with a good movie, with a side of some sort delicious snack. When I reached my teen years I became more and more self-conscious about my weight but I would put my best poker face on and lie to myself thinking everything would workout for the best and come full circle. Although thankfully I was never bullied about my weight, I went through my entire high school, college and first year of university being self conscious about myself. I was always looked as the funny girl, the girl that was cool with everyone but as a young woman, never having compliments about my appearance, never having desirable guys wanting to date me or be my boyfriend my confidence level was nonexistent. Although one should always love themselves first and never look at another for approval or acceptance, I’m sure we all can admit that being desired, wanted by someone you equally want and desire is a confidence boost. It is a good feeling knowing someone wants you just as much as you may or may not want them.
After years of tears, depression and resentment about my weight towards the end of my first year at university I decided enough was enough and it was time for a change. Once I handed my last assignment I went ghost for the entire summer and completed a diet programme. For 12 weeks I hibernated and stayed in my house determined to make a change for myself. All I’ve ever wanted was to be happy and proud of myself, to feel comfortable in my own skin, so staying focus on my weight loss journey was mandatory.

**** Side bar**** When you decide to make positive changes in you life loyal friends, people who really have your back 100% come to light and those who really should have never been in your life at all are exposed. I have gone through a lot of negative shit in my life and people who I always was loyal to I later found out that they were not true of a friend to me as a thought. For those who are making a positive change for themselves unfortunately you will always get people trying to keep you down with them. When I started my weight loss Journey I had so called friends and family asking me ” Why do you want to lose weight for?” ” You’re only going to put it all back on once you finished” oh and the classic bullshit comment “you’re fine as you are, you don’t need to lose weight” meanwhile these same people are slim and tightly tone with a waist the size of my thigh. I came to the conclusion that certain people are scared of change, deep down they find you as a threat but the one thing they had over you or in some cases share the same quality as them is the same thing you have decided to change for the good. True friends give words of encouragement, they support and love you no matter what changes you make to your life whether it be a new boyfriend, a new career, a new car etc. If anytime you share good, positive news with a so called friend and they don’t support or show you love and encouragement, just know that it is time to distance yourself and move on to positive like minded people. Not everyone you started out with must always remain in your life. ********

Towards the end of my summer I had dropped 4 Stones (56 pounds, 25.4 KG) and I began to love what I saw in the mirror. The shocked factor was in full effect when I decided to come out of hibernation. Seeing the faces of the negative people who doubted my will power was priceless! I didn’t 100% reach my target weight but the left picture above was just before I started my weight loss journey. The craziest thing is I actually became even bigger than that before I started my journey. Although I have never gone back to the size of the left pic, it has been a long ass ride (like I said I love food too much). I have continued to lose and put on a few pounds here and there, back and forth. Truth is I’m still struggling to jump the last hurdle and reach my goal. I sit here writing this post today feeling deflated about my body, I am still my own worst enemy and harshest critic. Not one person can make me feel worst about myself the way I do. Mind fucking myself is definitely my downfall, I constantly over think shit but for the last 3 months I have been putting my all into watching what I eat and going hard in the gym. Every diet you can think of I have done, shake diets, starvation, juice diets, you name it, I’ve done it. For the Last 3 months however I have decided to do it the correct way, eat healthy, no crash diet and workout out hard till my whole body becomes crippled.
Main reason why I am feeling more body conscious is because I am going to a well deserved luxury holiday with my girl to Dominican Republic and I have been breaking my back trying to feel good about my body before I fly out on July the 1st. I have created tremendous pressure for myself constantly comparing myself to what my friend looks like and the idea of what I should look like. I have 3 WEEKS AND 3 DAYS left for a miracle to happen, lord knows I need it. I know losing weight and making a body transformation takes time, patients and dedication but time is not what’s on my side right now. I know realistically I wont be at my goal weight by July the 1st but if I can shift some more tummy weight and feel good when I walk out on to that gorgeous Dominican beach, I will feel that all this hard work I have been putting in was not all in vain. Prayer and a positive mindset is what I need to stick to and my 5th gym session this week… Spinning tomorrow morning 9am.

Wish me luck!

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