Month: November 2014

My Constant Fuck Up

I don’t know what it is about myself why I keep letting myself down. The term ‘getting in my own way’ 1000% applies to me. I am emotionally drained with the constant battle with my weight. There isn’t a single day I don’t mind fuck myself with guilt, anger and frustration over my appearance. My confidence level is an at all time low as I write this, trying to work out why I keep setting myself back from officially reaching my goal. Yh I have lost a lot of weight in the past and yes I have NOT put all my weight back on BUT there’s something wrong with my brain that once I start to see progress, I fuck it all up and become lazy again. My previous weight loss post where I talked about my on going battle was true to the core. I made great progress cutting out the carbs, hitting the gym 4-5 times a week. But once I came back from my vacation in the Dominican I fell off. I kept telling myself ‘start on Monday’ but Monday never came, I just became lazy only going gym 1-3 times a week. I can blame it on the few devastating events that have occurred since July but I will be lying to myself. There is no excuse as to why I look the way I do. Many people will look at me and say I am crazy for feeling the way I do about myself, (I hear it all the time) but its how I FEEL about MYSELF. There is not one person who can try and convince me that I am ‘Deluding’ myself about my weight. I could have Trey Songz or the rapper Game (Man crushes) standing in front of me, telling me I am perfect just the way I am and I will still feel the same damn way. On Friday I did the unthinkable and stood on the scales and what I saw was NOT pretty…kind of shocking. This is something I don’t normally do but I have reached the point where I am so unhappy with myself that if I continue to carry on, I am literally going to drive myself to the psychiatric ward at my local hospital (A little dramatic but so what, I am currently caught all in my feelings!) My weight is something that is growing heavier on my heart day by day and although I try to have the best poker face 🙂 and not express myself to those closest to me; this situation is affecting my morale.

This is a reality check to myself, things have to change and if I want change I have to make shit happen!

Only I can make myself happy and the only way to do that is to get my ass in gear, eat right, cut out the junk and hit the gym. Its either that or continue to be miserable and I am tired of this unfulfilled feeling I have with myself.

It is well over due but it is 1000000% time to make myself happy.

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No Love Lost

Growing up and witnessing the unhealthy relationship between my parents, I knew that the type of man I would need for myself would have to be the complete opposite to who my dad was and still is. The type of relationship I dreamed of was the opposite of what I witness as a child. It is sad to say but growing up every one of my friends, cousins etc lived in a single parent household but there was one difference between them and myself…the love received from a dad. Although the relationship between these parents did not work out, one thing was for sure their dad still remained a positive active role in their lives. My dad was absent from the time I was 11. Growing up the love I yearned from my dad was never sent my way. I never experience what it felt like to be truly loved by a man. So I said to myself when I get older the man I have in my life will love and adore me. Will love me for all that I am, flaws and all. Unfortunately that idea has not been a reality as of yet. I have always been an old soul, wanted all the traditional things when it comes to a relationship. I wanted a man to want date me, for us to be best of friends, love each other and both of our families. I wanted the love to blossom and eventually lead onto engagement and marriage. For all these points I’ve mentioned they were mainly the reason why I was a late bloomer. I didn’t have my first kiss till I was 18 < late I know and as for the losing virginity part that was a good few years later. Time is pressing on and guys have come and gone and I’m still yet to find ‘the one’

I am yet to find someone who is serious about me as I am about them. One thing for sure the mutual feelings we have for one another has to be number one over everything. I want to feel the passion and desire, to have mutual life goals and aspirations. I am at the stage now where if I cant see the potential in a man or feel any form of desire for that person there is no point continuing to have this person in my life. It sounds harsh I know but at 26 I have no time to wait on someone to grow on me or to hope for the person to come correct. I have done the ‘give a underdog a chance’ thing, I have been that girl transporting guys around, holding them down, I have been that girl who has got all dressed up to go on a date and been stood up. I have been that girl who has treated a guy like he is a king but haven’t received the same respect back. I HAVE BEEN THAT GIRL.

I have been through it all and even got the t-shirt. So now as an official adult who has never experienced the treatment every woman should experience; the old school chivalry, make you feel special treatment, I am not prepared to have anything less than what I deserve. The feeling of not being able to experience the qualities of what a real man should portray is disheartening and frustrating, especially when you know the type of woman you are and the qualities you will bring to a relationship. They say good things come to those wait, but I am no longer looking or waiting. Everything happens when god wants it to happen.

I am going to take this time to become a better person, work on myself and sure enough when the time is right the right one will come along….I have faith 😉

 

A heart that’s pure wont be denied, the kinda loving that will rock ya, the kinda loving that will keep ya, hold you for a lifetime.. – Teedra Moses