Hey guys! Its been a while since I have felt the urge to write again reason being… i’ve been going through it. Ive been trying to work out a heartbreak, job promotion and turning 30!
It’s been a bitter sweet journey these last 18 months i tell ya! i’ve been putting myself through so much pressure trying to progress in life and feel fulfilled with my accomplishments. If you have read my previous posts you would come to the realisation that i am an over thinker. I just can’t help it. It’s a situation where i’ve always had a plan for myself and thought that by the time i reached 30 everything i’ve worked for and prayed so hard about would have come full circle for me.. boy was i wrong. Don’t get it twisted this is not another poor me post moaning about a life of destitute. I understand how truly blessed i am in other areas of my life but damn! surely by now i should have what i want right?!
Turning 30 was celebrated in the most spectacular way. I jetted off to St Lucia for 2 weeks and danced, drank and laughed the days away. I met up with friends who was also vacationing on the island and had a delightful time. I felt it was only right to. I had to. I not only yearned for it but i most definitely deserved it. Following from dealing with one of the most heartbreaking break ups, landing myself a new job and turning a milestone age i felt that the best way to close my roller coaster journey of my 20’s was to bring my new birth year on a tropical island. But holidays are just that. Its escapism. Its an opportunity to break away from the same old bullshit routine of work and the same old surroundings. That was in October 2018.
It is now April and the lack of fulfilment still holds refuge in my mind and heart. I am still living with my mum (which i am highly grateful for) trying to save towards buying my first home on wages i feel are way below what i deserve. Most people would read that last statement and say “well just get a better paying job” yes that would be an option but if you knew the struggle/ battle i had to move on from my last job you would understand my fear now. My new job is great, the people, the company, the progression opportunity, the only thing its lacking is the wage bracket. I took the job because of all the benefits it offered and the opportunity for growth. It is coming up to a year since I’ve worked there and i have already had my first promotion (yay me) but I am still struggling financially. This is one of the stresses i currently have. I am working towards another promotion right now and i am trying to find the strength to stick it out in hopes to be financially rewarded but the fear is am i doing all of this in vain?
Turning 30 has been very eye opening for me. I now feel more pressure on myself to prove that i am not a total waste of space (my own insecurities). I found my first grey hair a few months back which to me is another indication that time is not on my side. I yearn for stability and feeling like my job is a dead end financially is heartbreaking. Not only that but I am ready to date again.. I’ve been ready! Shit. It has been over a year now. within the last year I’ve had time to reflect. Reflect on my last relationship and realise that it was never right for me from the beginning but i was rolling around with rose tinted glasses hoping that everything would fall into place because IT WAS MY TIME. It was time for me to fall in love. I wanted to. I dreamed about this shit. But unfortunately it was not the right kind of love nor was it the right type of man. Since breaking up with my ex (December 2017/Jan 2018) i have not been on one date. I haven’t met any guy that I’ve wanted to spent my time with. My time is very precious to me and although i have always had standards on the qualities i wish a potential partner to possess i always had a little wiggle room for someone i saw potential in. but that shit backfired on me with my ex so that idea is no longer available.
Dating in 2019 is so damn hard. SHIT dating has always been hard but the shit is so ridiculous now that i can’t foresee even bumping into someone and saying “hello”. I go out with my girls (when they are not with their significant other) and yet I don’t meet anyone. Pressure from my mother to join dating sites has me creating, logging on and then deleting profiles. It’s actually laughable how crazy society has changed so much that physical interaction has reduced slim to none and the only hope we have as singletons is to join dating sites. I fucking hate dating sites. I have tried it and it’s a complete waste of time. It’s always the same shit with the same outcome. You join, guys message you, you interact, they ask for your number and then..*crickets*. There never seems to be a great outcome other than another lame ass guy having your number stored on their phone as a trophy. Then theres social media. The sliding into DM’s on Instagram asking to take you out and when you challenge them on it and agree… *crickets* Then the have the audacity to come back 4 months later when you post another spectacular selfie asking to take you out again. It’s almost as if men today have amnesia. Fucking clueless. Either that or they have far too much options.
In the end you just have to keep the faith. I’m going continue to do me and try and be more frequent on here as it’s an outlet for all the thoughts that run through this over thinking ass mind. I’m back 😉