I have exactly 2 months and 4 days until I turn a year older and I’m telling you now I’m not looking forward to it. It’s not that I dislike birthdays, it’s the fact that I’m getting older and still very much in limbo. In the last year I’ve moved on from what I thought was going to be my dream job, I’ve ended an on and off bullshit situationship and most recently (today) I have torn ligaments in my left leg. It’s just a series of bullshit things that hasnt gone right and I know all the uplifting sayings “good things come to those who wait” “all in gods plan”. But damn can’t I get one thing right. I am a planner, I planned how I wanted my life to be from a young age and the only thing that has gone according to this plan is graduating from university. Everything else is up in the air. I feel like everyone is moving forward and I’m stuck on rewind and pause. All my girlfriends are in relationships, I’m literally feeling like the only single woman left in the village. When will things fall into place for me?!
Turning older and the fear of being on my own has got me well and truly fucked up. I thought I’d at least be engaged and have a baby by now. I’m sure most will think it can’t be hard to find a guy and have a baby and you’re absolutely right. But to find a man you connect with, share the same views on life, someone who sparks your soul.. That shit right there is rare. I’m all in for building a life and making life long memories with someone. What I’m not about is being in a volatile relationship that breaks down leaving me being labelled as someone’s “baby mother”.
This might come across as a moany post but quite frankly I don’t give a shit. Every now and then I reflect and get vex about my situation and need to vent. I’m sure I can’t be the only woman who feels like this.
I’m trying to keep faith because doubting and negative thinking blocks blessings. I just need some indication that something will work out for me. Xo