My Constant Fuck Up

I don’t know what it is about myself why I keep letting myself down. The term ‘getting in my own way’ 1000% applies to me. I am emotionally drained with the constant battle with my weight. There isn’t a single day I don’t mind fuck myself with guilt, anger and frustration over my appearance. My confidence level is an at all time low as I write this, trying to work out why I keep setting myself back from officially reaching my goal. Yh I have lost a lot of weight in the past and yes I have NOT put all my weight back on BUT there’s something wrong with my brain that once I start to see progress, I fuck it all up and become lazy again. My previous weight loss post where I talked about my on going battle was true to the core. I made great progress cutting out the carbs, hitting the gym 4-5 times a week. But once I came back from my vacation in the Dominican I fell off. I kept telling myself ‘start on Monday’ but Monday never came, I just became lazy only going gym 1-3 times a week. I can blame it on the few devastating events that have occurred since July but I will be lying to myself. There is no excuse as to why I look the way I do. Many people will look at me and say I am crazy for feeling the way I do about myself, (I hear it all the time) but its how I FEEL about MYSELF. There is not one person who can try and convince me that I am ‘Deluding’ myself about my weight. I could have Trey Songz or the rapper Game (Man crushes) standing in front of me, telling me I am perfect just the way I am and I will still feel the same damn way. On Friday I did the unthinkable and stood on the scales and what I saw was NOT pretty…kind of shocking. This is something I don’t normally do but I have reached the point where I am so unhappy with myself that if I continue to carry on, I am literally going to drive myself to the psychiatric ward at my local hospital (A little dramatic but so what, I am currently caught all in my feelings!) My weight is something that is growing heavier on my heart day by day and although I try to have the best poker face 🙂 and not express myself to those closest to me; this situation is affecting my morale.

This is a reality check to myself, things have to change and if I want change I have to make shit happen!

Only I can make myself happy and the only way to do that is to get my ass in gear, eat right, cut out the junk and hit the gym. Its either that or continue to be miserable and I am tired of this unfulfilled feeling I have with myself.

It is well over due but it is 1000000% time to make myself happy.

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