happiness

Heartbreak Hotel

So through my limbo stages of not knowing where I stood in my relationship with my ex, my girls and I decided to go out to a bar to drown my sorrows and have a little two step. With complimentary drinks from the bar owner let’s just say that particular night got very messy which I hilariously captured on snapchat. Now I won’t upload the videos (way too embarrassing) but within the snap I kept calling myself “Heartbreak Hotel” so after showing my mum the next day of my antics you can imagine my reaction when she surprised me with this gift a week later. Loool

I guess even when you’re in pain you have to keep on pushing and find the funny side of the bullshit… thanks Mum lol

The Pain of Giving your heart to the wrong person

I know everyone goes through this at some point in their life, it’s looked at as the normal life lesson that one will always experience but it doesn’t change the fact that it hurts like hell.

I’m currently going through a heartbreak and it’s been one of the most devastating, emotionally and mentally draining experience of my life. Being the “late bloomer” out of all my friends, having not experienced multiple relationships throughout my teens and the best part of my 20’s I feel that now i am pushing 30 the lost of a relationship hurts more because of the fact that I am at the age where I want to progress; settle down and move forward to becoming a wife and a mother.

Being in a relationship with someone who is battling with their own demons can take a huge effect on the relationship and no matter how hard you fight to save the relationship and try help your partner, until they are willing to help themselves you are basically flogging a dead horse.

My break up with my boyfriend was very recent so the wounds are still very much raw. Its more so heartbreaking because the destruction of my relationship was not something that happened gradually. It was literally an over night situation.

I was completely blindsided and confused as to why and how he went from telling me he loved me one day to complete isolation and no communication. After 3 and half weeks trying EVERYTHING to get this man who I thought loved me to communicate with me, I realised that I had to let go for my own sanity.

I feel at this point I’m in mourning for the relationship I thought I had, for the man I thought loved me and for the fact that I am now left all alone.

Trying to keep yourself busy when ALL your friends are in loving relationships can be deflating. And although I am so happy for my friends it cuts a little deeper when they share progressive moments in their relationships such as babies and engagements. I literally can’t keep my ass still. Nothing I’m doing is satisfying. I’m not content being with my own company because I became accustomed to spending so much time with my ex.

Let me just say that I was never this girl. I was always comfortable being on my own but right now the heartbreak is real.

I know all the cliché sayings “it wasn’t meant to be” “all in gods time” and all that other bullshit but as I sit here typing this I can’t help but feel bitter and sad towards the fact that this is actually happening to me. Like my question is why? I am a damn good woman and I did not deserve the mistreatment I received from a man I stood by and accepted all his flaws.

I know I deserve better. I know I deserve to be loved, adored and valued. But it doesn’t change the fact that now I have to start all over again and have faith that someone new won’t treat me the same way my ex did. I have to find the strength within myself to believe that there is actually a good man out there for me but for now I will sit here in my heartbreak and sip my wine.

Love, Peace & Happiness… Does It Exist?

I’ve been asking myself this question all day. I feel that my whole life all i’ve ever wanted was the simple things, the 3 simple words I feel is needed in not just my life but everything that has a beating heart. What does one have to do to receive these important elements? Is it the power of prayer? because for as far as i can remember I have been praying to God, asking him to pull me into his warm embrace and rescue me from my over thinking and sad heart. I feel when you know who you are as a person, when you know the purity of your heart, God will also know and shower you with blessings – Love, Peace and Happiness.

At the age of 26 I feel sorry and disheartened that I still have not found the 3 elements to feel at one with myself. My birthday is fast approaching and a new chapter of my life will start and this no longer excites me, in fact it damn right scares me shitless.  I feel I am a good person with a clean heart but yet I feel like I am damaged goods. Sad isn’t it?! to feel like you are a good person but at the same time you’re so damaged you feel like love, peace and happiness will never come your way. It is as if I’m trapped in a glass jar suffocating, I see myself through the glass with all the potential and all the blessings I could have but this life just seems so unreachable.

On the outside looking in my life to friends, family seems so exciting, well put together but the reality is I am damaged. So damaged that I have mastered the art of the ‘poker face’. If you was to meet me I am described by my friends bubbly, funny and always smiling, but my smiling is a way to cover up my pain. Every time I try to uplift myself or say “life is too short to be unhappy” or “Speak things into existence and you shall receive” reality always has a fucked up way of killing my high. I have always wanted better for myself, to do better and I have tried, lord knows I have, so much so that I’m beginning to feel like this is all my life will come to, a smiling face and a sad heart. I don’t know when my Love, Peace & Happiness will come into play but God knows Iv’e been constantly battling and trying to make my own peace and happiness. I just need a sign, something to tell me things will fall into place and get better.

Mexico, Because Travelling Makes Me Happy

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A lot of new things have occurred in my life in the last 6 months, some positive, some negative but one positive event that happened from my long absence was my trip to Mexico. This was most definitely a long awaited trip as this beautiful country has been on my bucket list for some time. Six months later and I was steady waiting anxiously at Gatwick airport, anticipating what waits for me on the other side of the world. What felt like a lifetime, 10 hours later the plane finally landed safely on Mexican soil. I couldn’t wait to get off the plane, rightly so especially when I’d been restricted to inhaling Tom, Dick and Harry’s breaths, armpit and every other ghastly body odours you experience being on a plane (major germaphobe)

After 2 hours fighting through the crazy set up of the airport I finally arrived at my resort! I stayed at the Royalton Riviera Cancun resort and Spa and It was absolutely beautiful. The rooms was exactly what was advertised, very stylish and modern! There were s*** load of places to eat, Zen – Japanese being my favourite! The staff was so lovely and attentive, paying attention to when my glass was near empty at all times ( my kinda people!)

I have taken a few snaps of my trip I want to share, the swimwear, the cocktails, the views, more cocktails.. enjoy!

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My Constant Fuck Up

I don’t know what it is about myself why I keep letting myself down. The term ‘getting in my own way’ 1000% applies to me. I am emotionally drained with the constant battle with my weight. There isn’t a single day I don’t mind fuck myself with guilt, anger and frustration over my appearance. My confidence level is an at all time low as I write this, trying to work out why I keep setting myself back from officially reaching my goal. Yh I have lost a lot of weight in the past and yes I have NOT put all my weight back on BUT there’s something wrong with my brain that once I start to see progress, I fuck it all up and become lazy again. My previous weight loss post where I talked about my on going battle was true to the core. I made great progress cutting out the carbs, hitting the gym 4-5 times a week. But once I came back from my vacation in the Dominican I fell off. I kept telling myself ‘start on Monday’ but Monday never came, I just became lazy only going gym 1-3 times a week. I can blame it on the few devastating events that have occurred since July but I will be lying to myself. There is no excuse as to why I look the way I do. Many people will look at me and say I am crazy for feeling the way I do about myself, (I hear it all the time) but its how I FEEL about MYSELF. There is not one person who can try and convince me that I am ‘Deluding’ myself about my weight. I could have Trey Songz or the rapper Game (Man crushes) standing in front of me, telling me I am perfect just the way I am and I will still feel the same damn way. On Friday I did the unthinkable and stood on the scales and what I saw was NOT pretty…kind of shocking. This is something I don’t normally do but I have reached the point where I am so unhappy with myself that if I continue to carry on, I am literally going to drive myself to the psychiatric ward at my local hospital (A little dramatic but so what, I am currently caught all in my feelings!) My weight is something that is growing heavier on my heart day by day and although I try to have the best poker face 🙂 and not express myself to those closest to me; this situation is affecting my morale.

This is a reality check to myself, things have to change and if I want change I have to make shit happen!

Only I can make myself happy and the only way to do that is to get my ass in gear, eat right, cut out the junk and hit the gym. Its either that or continue to be miserable and I am tired of this unfulfilled feeling I have with myself.

It is well over due but it is 1000000% time to make myself happy.