disappointment

The Pain of Giving your heart to the wrong person

I know everyone goes through this at some point in their life, it’s looked at as the normal life lesson that one will always experience but it doesn’t change the fact that it hurts like hell.

I’m currently going through a heartbreak and it’s been one of the most devastating, emotionally and mentally draining experience of my life. Being the “late bloomer” out of all my friends, having not experienced multiple relationships throughout my teens and the best part of my 20’s I feel that now i am pushing 30 the lost of a relationship hurts more because of the fact that I am at the age where I want to progress; settle down and move forward to becoming a wife and a mother.

Being in a relationship with someone who is battling with their own demons can take a huge effect to the relationship and no matter how hard you fight to save the relationship and help your partner, until they are willing to help themselves you are basically flogging a dead horse.

My break up with my boyfriend was very recent so the wounds are still very much raw. Its more so heartbreaking because the destruction of my relationship was not something that happened gradually. It was literally an over night situation.

I was completely blindsided and confused as to why and how he went from telling me he loved me one day to complete isolation and no communication. After 3 and half weeks trying EVERYTHING to get this man who I thought loved me to communicate with me, I realised that I had to let go for my own sanity.

I feel at this point I’m in mourning for the relationship I thought I had, for the man I thought loved me and for the fact that I am now left all alone.

Trying to keep yourself busy when ALL your friends are in loving relationships can be deflating. And although I am so happy for my friends it cuts a little deeper when they share progressive moments in their relationships such as babies and engagements. I literally can’t keep my ass still. Nothing I’m doing is satisfying. I’m not content being with my own company because I became accustomed to spending so much time with my ex.

Let me just say that I was never this girl. I was always comfortable being on my own but right now the heartbreak is real.

I know all the cliché sayings “it wasn’t meant to be” “all in gods time” and all that other bullshit but as I sit here typing this I can’t help but feel bitter and sad towards the fact that this is actually happening to me. Like my question is why? I am a damn good woman and I did not deserve the mistreatment I received from a man I stood by and accepted all his flaws.

I know I deserve better. I know I deserve to be loved, adored and valued. But it doesn’t change the fact that now I have to start all over again and have faith that someone new won’t treat me the same way my ex did. I have to find the strength within myself to believe that there is actually a good man out there for me but for now I will sit here in my heartbreak and sip my wine.

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Ask, Believe and Receive 

I hate talking about my problems to people hence why I keep shit bottled in. I tend to only speak to myself and then end up completely overthinking and mind fucking myself.  I’ve  been trying to have a positive outlook on life. Everyday I give myself a pep talk of “the glass is half full” “everything happens for a reason” but life always has a way of trying me.

I’ve researched, stuck encouraging post-it notes on my mirrors, printed articles, bought books. Shit, I’ve even downloaded ‘The Law of Attraction’ and ‘The Secret Daily Teachings’ app to find words of encouragement. Most recently I’ve downloaded Joel Osteen ‘Word of Today’ app to uplift and motivate me with words of worship to God. I have done all of these things and my morale and my life doesn’t seem to be pushing forward positively.

The law of attraction is basically a state of mind philosophy, for one to free their mind from negativity and revel in the universal law of positive attraction. It’s all about having a positive mind set, think positive thoughts and those very thoughts will become a reality.

But my question is does this shit even work?!

If I keep speaking things into existence and having positive uplifting thoughts will I get what I want?

I’ve been ASKING for what I want, I BELIEVE I deserve and can obtain what I want so when will I RECEIVE what I want??

I need some guidance or a sign because right now I’m feeling so damn fed up and I hate being such a Debbie downer….church on Sunday perhaps? Xo

My Constant Fuck Up

I don’t know what it is about myself why I keep letting myself down. The term ‘getting in my own way’ 1000% applies to me. I am emotionally drained with the constant battle with my weight. There isn’t a single day I don’t mind fuck myself with guilt, anger and frustration over my appearance. My confidence level is an at all time low as I write this, trying to work out why I keep setting myself back from officially reaching my goal. Yh I have lost a lot of weight in the past and yes I have NOT put all my weight back on BUT there’s something wrong with my brain that once I start to see progress, I fuck it all up and become lazy again. My previous weight loss post where I talked about my on going battle was true to the core. I made great progress cutting out the carbs, hitting the gym 4-5 times a week. But once I came back from my vacation in the Dominican I fell off. I kept telling myself ‘start on Monday’ but Monday never came, I just became lazy only going gym 1-3 times a week. I can blame it on the few devastating events that have occurred since July but I will be lying to myself. There is no excuse as to why I look the way I do. Many people will look at me and say I am crazy for feeling the way I do about myself, (I hear it all the time) but its how I FEEL about MYSELF. There is not one person who can try and convince me that I am ‘Deluding’ myself about my weight. I could have Trey Songz or the rapper Game (Man crushes) standing in front of me, telling me I am perfect just the way I am and I will still feel the same damn way. On Friday I did the unthinkable and stood on the scales and what I saw was NOT pretty…kind of shocking. This is something I don’t normally do but I have reached the point where I am so unhappy with myself that if I continue to carry on, I am literally going to drive myself to the psychiatric ward at my local hospital (A little dramatic but so what, I am currently caught all in my feelings!) My weight is something that is growing heavier on my heart day by day and although I try to have the best poker face 🙂 and not express myself to those closest to me; this situation is affecting my morale.

This is a reality check to myself, things have to change and if I want change I have to make shit happen!

Only I can make myself happy and the only way to do that is to get my ass in gear, eat right, cut out the junk and hit the gym. Its either that or continue to be miserable and I am tired of this unfulfilled feeling I have with myself.

It is well over due but it is 1000000% time to make myself happy.