Love

Heartbreak Hotel

So through my limbo stages of not knowing where I stood in my relationship with my ex, my girls and I decided to go out to a bar to drown my sorrows and have a little two step. With complimentary drinks from the bar owner let’s just say that particular night got very messy which I hilariously captured on snapchat. Now I won’t upload the videos (way too embarrassing) but within the snap I kept calling myself “Heartbreak Hotel” so after showing my mum the next day of my antics you can imagine my reaction when she surprised me with this gift a week later. Loool

I guess even when you’re in pain you have to keep on pushing and find the funny side of the bullshit… thanks Mum lol

The Pain of Giving your heart to the wrong person

I know everyone goes through this at some point in their life, it’s looked at as the normal life lesson that one will always experience but it doesn’t change the fact that it hurts like hell.

I’m currently going through a heartbreak and it’s been one of the most devastating, emotionally and mentally draining experience of my life. Being the “late bloomer” out of all my friends, having not experienced multiple relationships throughout my teens and the best part of my 20’s I feel that now i am pushing 30 the lost of a relationship hurts more because of the fact that I am at the age where I want to progress; settle down and move forward to becoming a wife and a mother.

Being in a relationship with someone who is battling with their own demons can take a huge effect on the relationship and no matter how hard you fight to save the relationship and try help your partner, until they are willing to help themselves you are basically flogging a dead horse.

My break up with my boyfriend was very recent so the wounds are still very much raw. Its more so heartbreaking because the destruction of my relationship was not something that happened gradually. It was literally an over night situation.

I was completely blindsided and confused as to why and how he went from telling me he loved me one day to complete isolation and no communication. After 3 and half weeks trying EVERYTHING to get this man who I thought loved me to communicate with me, I realised that I had to let go for my own sanity.

I feel at this point I’m in mourning for the relationship I thought I had, for the man I thought loved me and for the fact that I am now left all alone.

Trying to keep yourself busy when ALL your friends are in loving relationships can be deflating. And although I am so happy for my friends it cuts a little deeper when they share progressive moments in their relationships such as babies and engagements. I literally can’t keep my ass still. Nothing I’m doing is satisfying. I’m not content being with my own company because I became accustomed to spending so much time with my ex.

Let me just say that I was never this girl. I was always comfortable being on my own but right now the heartbreak is real.

I know all the cliché sayings “it wasn’t meant to be” “all in gods time” and all that other bullshit but as I sit here typing this I can’t help but feel bitter and sad towards the fact that this is actually happening to me. Like my question is why? I am a damn good woman and I did not deserve the mistreatment I received from a man I stood by and accepted all his flaws.

I know I deserve better. I know I deserve to be loved, adored and valued. But it doesn’t change the fact that now I have to start all over again and have faith that someone new won’t treat me the same way my ex did. I have to find the strength within myself to believe that there is actually a good man out there for me but for now I will sit here in my heartbreak and sip my wine.

Understanding Each Other’s Traits 

When you meet someone new in your life getting to know that individual is a learning experience. An attraction is initially there to begin with for you to want to get to know them in the first place but the more you get to know them, the more is revealed… the good, the bad and the ugly. When you first meet someone it’s almost as if it’s a whirl wind fairytale. You’re excited to be around them, you’re excited to understand what makes them this new bright light in your life. I like to call this the “honeymoon period”. Whether its a new platonic relationship or your actually dating, everyone is still at the “I want to impress you” stage not really letting their guard down exposing who they truly are. 
After you have established your position within this new friendship/relationship and you become comfortable in this position that is when guards start to come down and new traits start to show. 

The issues that start to arise is you realise that the sugar coated persona you once knew is not an everyday thing. I understand we can’t always be happy go lucky and thoughtful all the time but my issue right now is getting used to the new traits that wasn’t exposed before. 

Im a laid back kind of girl, my persona is warm and inviting. I have some what of patience of a saint so when someone I’m interacting with is very vocal and harshly blunt, it takes me back and I can’t lie it also rubs me up the wrong way. 

Maybe I’m too soft and I need to “man up” and be a little tougher. But why should I have to change who I am to accommodate someone new in my life?. Surly my persona is what attracted this person to my life in the first place. Perhaps it’s a learning phase. An opportunity to learn each other’s differences and grow from it. But at what expense? I’m not prepared to feel indifferent and uncomfortable just so the other person doesn’t. Surely it’s about comprising and understand the dos and don’ts…. hmmm TBC

Relationships & Being Single: New Ep out now!

Hey guys! It’s been a while! Roughly about a month since my last post 🙈 Life just took over and I lost track of things I wanted to share with you guys! Anyway as you are aware from previous post I have a YouTube channel with my friend and we recently posted a video about relationships and being single. My friend is currently in a relationship so she shares some of her experiences and I talked about being single and the “joys” of trying to find the “right one”

We received a lot of feedback (positive and negative) from men which was quite interesting. We are definitely going to do a part 2 on this topic where we will have some guys join us on this discussion and share their perspectives.

Hope you enjoy 😉

My First Feature On A Podcast Show!

 

Yesterday I was invited to radio presenter Mr Voltaire podcast show! The show took place at Westside Radio 89.6fm studios where myself,  4 opinionated ladies and 1 man (Mr Voltaire) spoke about real, hard hitting topics such as love, friendships, relationships and family dynamics! I had so much fun and I look forward to taking part again very soon!

Have a listen! 

Link: Mr Voltaire Pod Cast Show 30

Table for ONE please 

  
Being a single woman means that you have some form of tolerance being on your own and enjoying your own company. Out of all my friends I am now the only single one left which really has become apparent to me in the last 2 months. The dynamics of friendships have changed/ altered and although I am used to living the single lifestyle, calling up girlfriends to accompany me for drinks or a meal is not as easy as it used to be. Yesterday I was tired and hungry and all I craved for was prawn linguine so instead of fighting my cravings and staying wrapped up in bed hungry and miserable, I decided to doll myself up and cater to my own needs. Dinning alone can’t be that bad can it? Well yesterday I decided to shake off the fear of eating alone in public and go for it. 

Entering the restaurant wasn’t a problem, I was greeted with smiles and warm hellos but as soon as the words “table for one” exited out of my mouth the sympathetic looks from the female hostess immediately made me realise Shit, I’m really about to sit in this intimate Italian restaurant and eat alone. I encountered a few stares from females dining with their other halves and smiles from men dining with friends but my overall experience was… Pleasant. Surprisingly I enjoyed my meal, I enjoyed having time to myself, time to think and reflect on things. Will I do it again? Most likely. Why should I just sit at home alone missing out on things I want. This is not necessarily how I planned or want my life to be, but I’m used to catering to my own needs so taking myself out alone should not be an issue…. I guess 

Does Being A Good Woman Hold You Back?


I saw this meme on Instagram the other day and as funny as it was at first glance, I couldn’t help feeling like I could relate to it . If you have read my previous post about the type of woman I pride myself to be, you would understand why at 27 I would be feeling some type of way. There’s so many things I can discuss in relation to why good girls get left behind but the overall  feeling I have is that being a good girl has got me no where. Keeping my legs closed, staying focus on what I want seems to not work in my favour. Don’t get me twisted I’m not a Virgin Mary waiting for my knight and shining armour but overall I feel My generation is messed up. We are a new generation where we aim higher than belonging to someone. We have aspirations to be successful in our own right first. Whether it’s to be an Insta famous celeb/ groupie or we have gone to university to better ourselves to get a career of our dreams. I feel that within my generation in particular people no longer NEED each other. It’s more whether we WANT that particular person to partake in our lives. Everyone is so independent and can look after themselves in every way, financially and domestically. It’s not like how it was when our grandparents were young where women needed a man to provide for them, bring home the bacon and a man needed a woman to cook and clean etc. In 2015 the average man is not only financially independent but also he can come home, iron his shirt for work the next morning and cook and clean. Don’t get me started on the boss ladies out there killing the game with their CEO status, finally surpassing men financially. It’s an accomplishment and progression I am 100% proud of, but what happens to when a good woman comes home from work and needs her mind, body and spirit taken care of? Not just looking at myself but also women in my circle/ surroundings who are good women with morals and standards, why are they still single? It’s becoming far too frequent that women with substance are being left on the sideline and these “Insta famous” girls who are known for dipping in and out of relationships repetitively are being claimed and treated like royalty. I had a conversation with a man today about this meme who shared his views. He told me the problem with good girls are men are scared to mess them around so they lose interest once they have figured out what type of woman she is. What I find hard to digest is  if this bullshit excuse is true, surely this would be one of the fundamental reasons to have this kind of woman in a mans live. A good girl with morals is an investment, a “bad bitch” is an expense. The guy went on to tell me that if a good girl was a bit naughty she might catch the eye of a good guy that wants to hold on to her. This is where I started to roll my eyes. What do you mean a bit naughty? If you’re talking about sex I’m going to keep it very real and say every woman loves it. Everyone has a freaky side but it just takes the right partner to bring that side out of you. Who’s to say a good woman with morals can’t and won’t be a freak in the bedroom? But in order for that side to be exposed, I feel you have to lay some foundation and get to know the person on a deeper level. Make her feel like she is the only one you want and think of. I know when it comes to myself I like to get to know a man, have conversations and get a feel of where his mind is at. At the end of the day both parties want sex but mental stimulation is a must. I know it is for me anyway. I’m not saying this would take 90 days like Steve Harvey “think like a man” had suggested, I’m just saying consistency and effort goes a long way. Shit if the vibe and attraction is mutual who’s to say intimacy wouldn’t come within a short time frame. It’s just a sad situation that pussy is a dime a dozen and investing time whether it is small or long Is something that is looked at as  energy draining.

The men who are “wifin” the hoes, the women that lack of substance don’t seem to require depth and mental stimulation from their partner. Instead I find men are focusing on the exterior side of how sexy she looks in her Instagram posts and how many men are envious of the fact she is now claimed. Eventually when the relationship starts to fall a part, the notion of what woman should stand for remains clouded and the bullshit just continues in this  vicious cycle. But hey this is just my opinion.

Love, Peace & Happiness… Does It Exist?

I’ve been asking myself this question all day. I feel that my whole life all i’ve ever wanted was the simple things, the 3 simple words I feel is needed in not just my life but everything that has a beating heart. What does one have to do to receive these important elements? Is it the power of prayer? because for as far as i can remember I have been praying to God, asking him to pull me into his warm embrace and rescue me from my over thinking and sad heart. I feel when you know who you are as a person, when you know the purity of your heart, God will also know and shower you with blessings – Love, Peace and Happiness.

At the age of 26 I feel sorry and disheartened that I still have not found the 3 elements to feel at one with myself. My birthday is fast approaching and a new chapter of my life will start and this no longer excites me, in fact it damn right scares me shitless.  I feel I am a good person with a clean heart but yet I feel like I am damaged goods. Sad isn’t it?! to feel like you are a good person but at the same time you’re so damaged you feel like love, peace and happiness will never come your way. It is as if I’m trapped in a glass jar suffocating, I see myself through the glass with all the potential and all the blessings I could have but this life just seems so unreachable.

On the outside looking in my life to friends, family seems so exciting, well put together but the reality is I am damaged. So damaged that I have mastered the art of the ‘poker face’. If you was to meet me I am described by my friends bubbly, funny and always smiling, but my smiling is a way to cover up my pain. Every time I try to uplift myself or say “life is too short to be unhappy” or “Speak things into existence and you shall receive” reality always has a fucked up way of killing my high. I have always wanted better for myself, to do better and I have tried, lord knows I have, so much so that I’m beginning to feel like this is all my life will come to, a smiling face and a sad heart. I don’t know when my Love, Peace & Happiness will come into play but God knows Iv’e been constantly battling and trying to make my own peace and happiness. I just need a sign, something to tell me things will fall into place and get better.

The Misconception of a Woman’s Body

This also applies to women too. It’s so easy to get caught up in the social world.  The misconception of what a “real” woman should look like has many women feeling inadequate, less than because it’s what’s idolised by the masses. Small waist and a big fat booty is what most are killing themselves to look like, even though every woman’s body is built differently. I am guilty of having this cloudy idea of how I should look. But I understand that no one is perfect, no such thing! I’m flawed and have many imperfections but I’m working on being a better healthier me. To love yourself for exactly who you are and all the qualities you possess is sexy. A man that can’t do the same is NOT for you. 😘😉

No Love Lost

Growing up and witnessing the unhealthy relationship between my parents, I knew that the type of man I would need for myself would have to be the complete opposite to who my dad was and still is. The type of relationship I dreamed of was the opposite of what I witness as a child. It is sad to say but growing up every one of my friends, cousins etc lived in a single parent household but there was one difference between them and myself…the love received from a dad. Although the relationship between these parents did not work out, one thing was for sure their dad still remained a positive active role in their lives. My dad was absent from the time I was 11. Growing up the love I yearned from my dad was never sent my way. I never experience what it felt like to be truly loved by a man. So I said to myself when I get older the man I have in my life will love and adore me. Will love me for all that I am, flaws and all. Unfortunately that idea has not been a reality as of yet. I have always been an old soul, wanted all the traditional things when it comes to a relationship. I wanted a man to want date me, for us to be best of friends, love each other and both of our families. I wanted the love to blossom and eventually lead onto engagement and marriage. For all these points I’ve mentioned they were mainly the reason why I was a late bloomer. I didn’t have my first kiss till I was 18 < late I know and as for the losing virginity part that was a good few years later. Time is pressing on and guys have come and gone and I’m still yet to find ‘the one’

I am yet to find someone who is serious about me as I am about them. One thing for sure the mutual feelings we have for one another has to be number one over everything. I want to feel the passion and desire, to have mutual life goals and aspirations. I am at the stage now where if I cant see the potential in a man or feel any form of desire for that person there is no point continuing to have this person in my life. It sounds harsh I know but at 26 I have no time to wait on someone to grow on me or to hope for the person to come correct. I have done the ‘give a underdog a chance’ thing, I have been that girl transporting guys around, holding them down, I have been that girl who has got all dressed up to go on a date and been stood up. I have been that girl who has treated a guy like he is a king but haven’t received the same respect back. I HAVE BEEN THAT GIRL.

I have been through it all and even got the t-shirt. So now as an official adult who has never experienced the treatment every woman should experience; the old school chivalry, make you feel special treatment, I am not prepared to have anything less than what I deserve. The feeling of not being able to experience the qualities of what a real man should portray is disheartening and frustrating, especially when you know the type of woman you are and the qualities you will bring to a relationship. They say good things come to those wait, but I am no longer looking or waiting. Everything happens when god wants it to happen.

I am going to take this time to become a better person, work on myself and sure enough when the time is right the right one will come along….I have faith 😉

 

A heart that’s pure wont be denied, the kinda loving that will rock ya, the kinda loving that will keep ya, hold you for a lifetime.. – Teedra Moses