My Constant Fuck Up

I don’t know what it is about myself why I keep letting myself down. The term ‘getting in my own way’ 1000% applies to me. I am emotionally drained with the constant battle with my weight. There isn’t a single day I don’t mind fuck myself with guilt, anger and frustration over my appearance. My confidence level is an at all time low as I write this, trying to work out why I keep setting myself back from officially reaching my goal. Yh I have lost a lot of weight in the past and yes I have NOT put all my weight back on BUT there’s something wrong with my brain that once I start to see progress, I fuck it all up and become lazy again. My previous weight loss post where I talked about my on going battle was true to the core. I made great progress cutting out the carbs, hitting the gym 4-5 times a week. But once I came back from my vacation in the Dominican I fell off. I kept telling myself ‘start on Monday’ but Monday never came, I just became lazy only going gym 1-3 times a week. I can blame it on the few devastating events that have occurred since July but I will be lying to myself. There is no excuse as to why I look the way I do. Many people will look at me and say I am crazy for feeling the way I do about myself, (I hear it all the time) but its how I FEEL about MYSELF. There is not one person who can try and convince me that I am ‘Deluding’ myself about my weight. I could have Trey Songz or the rapper Game (Man crushes) standing in front of me, telling me I am perfect just the way I am and I will still feel the same damn way. On Friday I did the unthinkable and stood on the scales and what I saw was NOT pretty…kind of shocking. This is something I don’t normally do but I have reached the point where I am so unhappy with myself that if I continue to carry on, I am literally going to drive myself to the psychiatric ward at my local hospital (A little dramatic but so what, I am currently caught all in my feelings!) My weight is something that is growing heavier on my heart day by day and although I try to have the best poker face 🙂 and not express myself to those closest to me; this situation is affecting my morale.

This is a reality check to myself, things have to change and if I want change I have to make shit happen!

Only I can make myself happy and the only way to do that is to get my ass in gear, eat right, cut out the junk and hit the gym. Its either that or continue to be miserable and I am tired of this unfulfilled feeling I have with myself.

It is well over due but it is 1000000% time to make myself happy.

No Love Lost

Growing up and witnessing the unhealthy relationship between my parents, I knew that the type of man I would need for myself would have to be the complete opposite to who my dad was and still is. The type of relationship I dreamed of was the opposite of what I witness as a child. It is sad to say but growing up every one of my friends, cousins etc lived in a single parent household but there was one difference between them and myself…the love received from a dad. Although the relationship between these parents did not work out, one thing was for sure their dad still remained a positive active role in their lives. My dad was absent from the time I was 11. Growing up the love I yearned from my dad was never sent my way. I never experience what it felt like to be truly loved by a man. So I said to myself when I get older the man I have in my life will love and adore me. Will love me for all that I am, flaws and all. Unfortunately that idea has not been a reality as of yet. I have always been an old soul, wanted all the traditional things when it comes to a relationship. I wanted a man to want date me, for us to be best of friends, love each other and both of our families. I wanted the love to blossom and eventually lead onto engagement and marriage. For all these points I’ve mentioned they were mainly the reason why I was a late bloomer. I didn’t have my first kiss till I was 18 < late I know and as for the losing virginity part that was a good few years later. Time is pressing on and guys have come and gone and I’m still yet to find ‘the one’

I am yet to find someone who is serious about me as I am about them. One thing for sure the mutual feelings we have for one another has to be number one over everything. I want to feel the passion and desire, to have mutual life goals and aspirations. I am at the stage now where if I cant see the potential in a man or feel any form of desire for that person there is no point continuing to have this person in my life. It sounds harsh I know but at 26 I have no time to wait on someone to grow on me or to hope for the person to come correct. I have done the ‘give a underdog a chance’ thing, I have been that girl transporting guys around, holding them down, I have been that girl who has got all dressed up to go on a date and been stood up. I have been that girl who has treated a guy like he is a king but haven’t received the same respect back. I HAVE BEEN THAT GIRL.

I have been through it all and even got the t-shirt. So now as an official adult who has never experienced the treatment every woman should experience; the old school chivalry, make you feel special treatment, I am not prepared to have anything less than what I deserve. The feeling of not being able to experience the qualities of what a real man should portray is disheartening and frustrating, especially when you know the type of woman you are and the qualities you will bring to a relationship. They say good things come to those wait, but I am no longer looking or waiting. Everything happens when god wants it to happen.

I am going to take this time to become a better person, work on myself and sure enough when the time is right the right one will come along….I have faith 😉


A heart that’s pure wont be denied, the kinda loving that will rock ya, the kinda loving that will keep ya, hold you for a lifetime.. – Teedra Moses

12 more days…

Till I have completed my 30 day Vegan Challenge and I am still feeling optimistic and just a tad but lighter 🙂
I am essentially sticking to 3 meals a day with the odd snack In between such as fruit or Ryvita. I am 100% back on my fitness, attending spinning, boxing and freestyle sessions… I am in agony as I type this lol

Cooking my meals has become a way of life for me now, I don’t have to think about what I’m going to cook in advance. I just raid my fridge, cupboards and create yummy dishes.

Here’s some meals I’ve devoured this week 🙂

Dish 1: Cauliflower & Butter Squash with Couscous and Avocado

Dish 2: Red Pea and Sweet Potato soup

Dish 3: Sweet Potato, Butternut Squash & Red Pea (Kidney Beans) curry with Couscous

Dish 4: Half a Sweet Potato topped with Cannellini Beans, Flageolet Beans, Adzuki Beans cooked with Mushrooms, Green Beans and Spinach






Mid way through my challenge

I am now mid way through my second week of my 30 day Vegan challenge and I’m feeling great! I am really enjoying this way of eating and my body feels better for it, however I do now and then miss my smoked salmon and cheese.
When it comes to fitness I am in need of an effective workout plan to get my body right and tight so i am currently researching etc. But that is no excuse to skip the gym so this week I have managed to dragged my bum to spinning classes and freestyle sessions to jump start the burning of unwanted fat! Lol

Here’s a few dishes I made this week
Lentil vegetable soup and vegetable stir fry cooked with soy ginger teriyaki sauce 🙂



The Idea of the Perfect Life

Growing up I always had an idea of the life I wanted to have as an adult, professionally and romantically. I was exposed to a volatile and at times violent relationship between my parents so the need for my life to be structured and perfect was everything to me. My mum is an amazing woman I know this is biased but I believe when it comes to our mums we can be. Everything about this woman I admire. It all sums up to her strength, her ambition, her termination and her love. My mum and dads relationship was nothing short of bullshit. My mum was and still is in a completely different league to my dad. He was not a part of my life for the best part of the 10 years he lived at home. He was a consistent cheater (creating a few children from his infidelities) and he did not play an active role in my life. To be very honest the only time I saw him was when he eventually came home from a few days of absence to argue with mum, to eat, bathe and sleep. In my mums words she was nothing more than his cook and bottle washer. Thoughts that must run through your mind are why did she stay with him for so long? I asked her the very same question and her reply was she was young, naive and did not want me to grow up without a father like she did. It’s such a cliché but I gained an understanding to her reason. Eventually after my dads destructive downwards spiral at the age of 10, my mum finally got rid and we started a new life without my dad.

Once we moved away my mum moved mountains on her own. She always had her own business but she continued to blossom, making various amazing achievements that for a single mother of two would have been seen to be unachievable. Because of my mother’s ambition and achievements I gained an idea of the type of woman I wanted to grow up to be. I knew that once I finished high school I would go to college to study media and then go on to university to continue studying media. I knew that I wanted to be that media industry woman that loved her job and had the privilege of mixing business and pleasure at the same damn time. I knew from a young age that I wanted to love what I do as a career, make great money and make my mum proud. I knew that once I was settle in my career I would want to buy my first property on my own, fall in love with someone that loved me back the same way, if not even more. I knew I wanted to travel the world with that person, fill our hearts with joy and amazing memories before settling down to the world of parenthood.

However I am now 25, I have completed studying media at college and university, but my career as the media industry woman has turned out to be more challenging than I thought. Throughout my study years I applied myself to do unpaid internships with top media companies and although these times was challenging mentally and financially, I always thought and was told that I would be rewarded of my hard work by getting the dream job I wanted once finishing university. No one warns you that before you start university getting a job within the degree you worked so hard for will be damn near impossible. No one warns you that it literally is going to be survival of the fittest or in real terms survival of who you know within that company of the job you want. In this day in age it doesn’t matter what qualification you have or how many unpaid work experience you have done, or what you know about the job you want. It all boils down to whom you know. If you know someone in a company that can get you the “hook up”, you my friend have won the jackpot!

Since finishing university the growing pains for the past two years has been tedious. As the days, weeks and months fly by I can’t help feeling more bitter towards the education system. I feel that I was mis-sold a dream. The dream of accomplishment, the dream of getting what I want. I was made to believe throughout my education years that if I followed the structured plan of completing a degree, I would be rewarded with the job I’ve always wanted. I feel that as a fellow graduate, we were sold this idealistic notion that it is the right thing to do to get you where you want to be. But in actual reality we was just placed within this system to buy time for the government on where to place us. Once young adults finish college there is a high percentage of unemployed people in need of work, so what better way to buy time for the government to shorten the benefit job seekers lines and also bring in extra revenue with the enticement of loans available. I cant help thinking that if I didn’t go to university and went straight to work after college, I would be much further than I am today. Out of all of my friends not one of us are in the career we studied for at university. Many had to restructure their entire career path and learn new skills or a trade. Many are still in underpaid, unqualified jobs that they were in whilst they were studying. Searching for a decent paid job and getting nowhere, when I’m aware I am an educated hard working woman is the most frustrating feeling I have ever experienced. I feel trapped like a caged bird.
Two years, hundreds of media job applications, joining countless recruitment agencies, a lot of tears and frustration I have resorted to try other avenues for a career. You know that saying ‘don’t put all your eggs in one basket.’ Well with that said I decided to try applying for any job that pays well just so that I can start living. With the extortionate property prices in London and the low salary I am currently on, moving out of the family home right now seems like a myth. As it stands my struggle is still ongoing. I am still trying to get a decent paid job so that I can leave the underpaid local government job I am currently in. Like many, currently career/ financially I am not where I want to be. As deflated, soul crushing and inadequate this career searching journey has made me feel, I fully understand it was my choice to go university. It was my dream to have this accomplishment and make my mum proud.

Although my degree and debt seems all in vain, I have to remain positive and have faith that it is going to happen for me…… just not the way I imagined.