God

The Pain of Giving your heart to the wrong person

I know everyone goes through this at some point in their life, it’s looked at as the normal life lesson that one will always experience but it doesn’t change the fact that it hurts like hell.

I’m currently going through a heartbreak and it’s been one of the most devastating, emotionally and mentally draining experience of my life. Being the “late bloomer” out of all my friends, having not experienced multiple relationships throughout my teens and the best part of my 20’s I feel that now i am pushing 30 the lost of a relationship hurts more because of the fact that I am at the age where I want to progress; settle down and move forward to becoming a wife and a mother.

Being in a relationship with someone who is battling with their own demons can take a huge effect on the relationship and no matter how hard you fight to save the relationship and try help your partner, until they are willing to help themselves you are basically flogging a dead horse.

My break up with my boyfriend was very recent so the wounds are still very much raw. Its more so heartbreaking because the destruction of my relationship was not something that happened gradually. It was literally an over night situation.

I was completely blindsided and confused as to why and how he went from telling me he loved me one day to complete isolation and no communication. After 3 and half weeks trying EVERYTHING to get this man who I thought loved me to communicate with me, I realised that I had to let go for my own sanity.

I feel at this point I’m in mourning for the relationship I thought I had, for the man I thought loved me and for the fact that I am now left all alone.

Trying to keep yourself busy when ALL your friends are in loving relationships can be deflating. And although I am so happy for my friends it cuts a little deeper when they share progressive moments in their relationships such as babies and engagements. I literally can’t keep my ass still. Nothing I’m doing is satisfying. I’m not content being with my own company because I became accustomed to spending so much time with my ex.

Let me just say that I was never this girl. I was always comfortable being on my own but right now the heartbreak is real.

I know all the cliché sayings “it wasn’t meant to be” “all in gods time” and all that other bullshit but as I sit here typing this I can’t help but feel bitter and sad towards the fact that this is actually happening to me. Like my question is why? I am a damn good woman and I did not deserve the mistreatment I received from a man I stood by and accepted all his flaws.

I know I deserve better. I know I deserve to be loved, adored and valued. But it doesn’t change the fact that now I have to start all over again and have faith that someone new won’t treat me the same way my ex did. I have to find the strength within myself to believe that there is actually a good man out there for me but for now I will sit here in my heartbreak and sip my wine.

Ask, Believe and Receive 

I hate talking about my problems to people hence why I keep shit bottled in. I tend to only speak to myself and then end up completely overthinking and mind fucking myself.  I’ve  been trying to have a positive outlook on life. Everyday I give myself a pep talk of “the glass is half full” “everything happens for a reason” but life always has a way of trying me.

I’ve researched, stuck encouraging post-it notes on my mirrors, printed articles, bought books. Shit, I’ve even downloaded ‘The Law of Attraction’ and ‘The Secret Daily Teachings’ app to find words of encouragement. Most recently I’ve downloaded Joel Osteen ‘Word of Today’ app to uplift and motivate me with words of worship to God. I have done all of these things and my morale and my life doesn’t seem to be pushing forward positively.

The law of attraction is basically a state of mind philosophy, for one to free their mind from negativity and revel in the universal law of positive attraction. It’s all about having a positive mind set, think positive thoughts and those very thoughts will become a reality.

But my question is does this shit even work?!

If I keep speaking things into existence and having positive uplifting thoughts will I get what I want?

I’ve been ASKING for what I want, I BELIEVE I deserve and can obtain what I want so when will I RECEIVE what I want??

I need some guidance or a sign because right now I’m feeling so damn fed up and I hate being such a Debbie downer….church on Sunday perhaps? Xo

Love, Peace & Happiness… Does It Exist?

I’ve been asking myself this question all day. I feel that my whole life all i’ve ever wanted was the simple things, the 3 simple words I feel is needed in not just my life but everything that has a beating heart. What does one have to do to receive these important elements? Is it the power of prayer? because for as far as i can remember I have been praying to God, asking him to pull me into his warm embrace and rescue me from my over thinking and sad heart. I feel when you know who you are as a person, when you know the purity of your heart, God will also know and shower you with blessings – Love, Peace and Happiness.

At the age of 26 I feel sorry and disheartened that I still have not found the 3 elements to feel at one with myself. My birthday is fast approaching and a new chapter of my life will start and this no longer excites me, in fact it damn right scares me shitless.  I feel I am a good person with a clean heart but yet I feel like I am damaged goods. Sad isn’t it?! to feel like you are a good person but at the same time you’re so damaged you feel like love, peace and happiness will never come your way. It is as if I’m trapped in a glass jar suffocating, I see myself through the glass with all the potential and all the blessings I could have but this life just seems so unreachable.

On the outside looking in my life to friends, family seems so exciting, well put together but the reality is I am damaged. So damaged that I have mastered the art of the ‘poker face’. If you was to meet me I am described by my friends bubbly, funny and always smiling, but my smiling is a way to cover up my pain. Every time I try to uplift myself or say “life is too short to be unhappy” or “Speak things into existence and you shall receive” reality always has a fucked up way of killing my high. I have always wanted better for myself, to do better and I have tried, lord knows I have, so much so that I’m beginning to feel like this is all my life will come to, a smiling face and a sad heart. I don’t know when my Love, Peace & Happiness will come into play but God knows Iv’e been constantly battling and trying to make my own peace and happiness. I just need a sign, something to tell me things will fall into place and get better.