30 & Still Trying To Get It…

Hey guys! Its been a while since I have felt the urge to write again reason being… i’ve been going through it. Ive been trying to work out a heartbreak, job promotion and turning 30!

It’s been a bitter sweet journey these last 18 months i tell ya! i’ve been putting myself through so much pressure trying to progress in life and feel fulfilled with my accomplishments. If you have read my previous posts you would come to the realisation that i am an over thinker. I just can’t help it. It’s a situation where i’ve always had a plan for myself and thought that by the time i reached 30 everything i’ve worked for and prayed so hard about would have come full circle for me.. boy was i wrong. Don’t get it twisted this is not another poor me post moaning about a life of destitute. I understand how truly blessed i am in other areas of my life but damn! surely by now i should have what i want right?!

Turning 30 was celebrated in the most spectacular way. I jetted off to St Lucia for 2 weeks and danced, drank and laughed the days away. I met up with friends who was also vacationing on the island and had a delightful time. I felt it was only right to. I had to. I not only yearned for it but i most definitely deserved it. Following from dealing with one of the most heartbreaking break ups, landing myself a new job and turning a milestone age i felt that the best way to close my roller coaster journey of my 20’s was to bring my new birth year on a tropical island. But holidays are just that. Its escapism. Its an opportunity to break away from the same old bullshit routine of work and the same old surroundings. That was in October 2018.

It is now April and the lack of fulfilment still holds refuge in my mind and heart. I am still living with my mum (which i am highly grateful for) trying to save towards buying my first home on wages i feel are way below what i deserve. Most people would read that last statement and say “well just get a better paying job” yes that would be an option but if you knew the struggle/ battle i had to move on from my last job you would understand my fear now. My new job is great, the people, the company, the progression opportunity, the only thing its lacking is the wage bracket. I took the job because of all the benefits it offered and the opportunity for growth. It is coming up to a year since I’ve worked there and i have already had my first promotion (yay me) but I am still struggling financially. This is one of the stresses i currently have. I am working towards another promotion right now and i am trying to find the strength to stick it out in hopes to be financially rewarded but the fear is am i doing all of this in vain?

Turning 30 has been very eye opening for me. I now feel more pressure on myself to prove that i am not a total waste of space (my own insecurities). I found my first grey hair a few months back which to me is another indication that time is not on my side. I yearn for stability and feeling like my job is a dead end financially is heartbreaking. Not only that but I am ready to date again.. I’ve been ready! Shit. It has been over a year now. within the last year I’ve had time to reflect.  Reflect on my last relationship and realise that it was never right for me from the beginning but i was rolling around with rose tinted glasses hoping that everything would fall into place because IT WAS MY TIME. It was time for me to fall in love. I wanted to.  I dreamed about this shit. But unfortunately it was not the right kind of love nor was it the right type of man. Since breaking up with my ex (December 2017/Jan 2018) i have not been on one date. I haven’t met any guy that I’ve wanted to spent my time with. My time is very precious to me and although i have always had standards on the qualities i wish a potential partner to possess i always had a little wiggle room for someone i saw potential in. but that shit backfired on me with my ex so that idea is no longer available.

Dating in 2019 is so damn hard. SHIT dating has always been hard but the shit is so ridiculous now that i can’t foresee even bumping into someone and saying “hello”. I go out with my girls (when they are not with their significant other) and yet I don’t meet anyone. Pressure from my mother to join dating sites has me creating, logging on and then deleting profiles. It’s actually laughable how crazy society has changed so much that physical interaction has reduced slim to none and the only hope we have as singletons is to join dating sites. I fucking hate dating sites. I have tried it and it’s a complete waste of time. It’s always the same shit with the same outcome.  You join, guys message you, you interact, they ask for your number and then..*crickets*.  There never seems to be a great outcome other than another lame ass guy having your number stored on their phone as a trophy. Then theres social media. The sliding into DM’s on Instagram asking to take you out and when you challenge them on it and agree… *crickets* Then the have the audacity to come back 4 months later when you post another spectacular selfie asking to take you out again. It’s almost as if men today have amnesia. Fucking clueless. Either that or they have far too much options.

In the end you just have to keep the faith. I’m going continue to do me and try and be more frequent on here as it’s an outlet for all the thoughts that run through this over thinking ass mind. I’m back 😉

Curly Sue

I decided to use flexirods again but I tried a different method this time. My hair was already straightened so instead of wetting it like I’ve done in the past, I literally just applied some curl pudding onto my dry hair and wrapped it around the rods.

This is by far the best my hair has turned out so I will definitely be using this method again!

Heartbreak Hotel

So through my limbo stages of not knowing where I stood in my relationship with my ex, my girls and I decided to go out to a bar to drown my sorrows and have a little two step. With complimentary drinks from the bar owner let’s just say that particular night got very messy which I hilariously captured on snapchat. Now I won’t upload the videos (way too embarrassing) but within the snap I kept calling myself “Heartbreak Hotel” so after showing my mum the next day of my antics you can imagine my reaction when she surprised me with this gift a week later. Loool

I guess even when you’re in pain you have to keep on pushing and find the funny side of the bullshit… thanks Mum lol

The Pain of Giving your heart to the wrong person

I know everyone goes through this at some point in their life, it’s looked at as the normal life lesson that one will always experience but it doesn’t change the fact that it hurts like hell.

I’m currently going through a heartbreak and it’s been one of the most devastating, emotionally and mentally draining experience of my life. Being the “late bloomer” out of all my friends, having not experienced multiple relationships throughout my teens and the best part of my 20’s I feel that now i am pushing 30 the lost of a relationship hurts more because of the fact that I am at the age where I want to progress; settle down and move forward to becoming a wife and a mother.

Being in a relationship with someone who is battling with their own demons can take a huge effect on the relationship and no matter how hard you fight to save the relationship and try help your partner, until they are willing to help themselves you are basically flogging a dead horse.

My break up with my boyfriend was very recent so the wounds are still very much raw. Its more so heartbreaking because the destruction of my relationship was not something that happened gradually. It was literally an over night situation.

I was completely blindsided and confused as to why and how he went from telling me he loved me one day to complete isolation and no communication. After 3 and half weeks trying EVERYTHING to get this man who I thought loved me to communicate with me, I realised that I had to let go for my own sanity.

I feel at this point I’m in mourning for the relationship I thought I had, for the man I thought loved me and for the fact that I am now left all alone.

Trying to keep yourself busy when ALL your friends are in loving relationships can be deflating. And although I am so happy for my friends it cuts a little deeper when they share progressive moments in their relationships such as babies and engagements. I literally can’t keep my ass still. Nothing I’m doing is satisfying. I’m not content being with my own company because I became accustomed to spending so much time with my ex.

Let me just say that I was never this girl. I was always comfortable being on my own but right now the heartbreak is real.

I know all the cliché sayings “it wasn’t meant to be” “all in gods time” and all that other bullshit but as I sit here typing this I can’t help but feel bitter and sad towards the fact that this is actually happening to me. Like my question is why? I am a damn good woman and I did not deserve the mistreatment I received from a man I stood by and accepted all his flaws.

I know I deserve better. I know I deserve to be loved, adored and valued. But it doesn’t change the fact that now I have to start all over again and have faith that someone new won’t treat me the same way my ex did. I have to find the strength within myself to believe that there is actually a good man out there for me but for now I will sit here in my heartbreak and sip my wine.

Understanding Each Other’s Traits 

When you meet someone new in your life getting to know that individual is a learning experience. An attraction is initially there to begin with for you to want to get to know them in the first place but the more you get to know them, the more is revealed… the good, the bad and the ugly. When you first meet someone it’s almost as if it’s a whirl wind fairytale. You’re excited to be around them, you’re excited to understand what makes them this new bright light in your life. I like to call this the “honeymoon period”. Whether its a new platonic relationship or your actually dating, everyone is still at the “I want to impress you” stage not really letting their guard down exposing who they truly are. 
After you have established your position within this new friendship/relationship and you become comfortable in this position that is when guards start to come down and new traits start to show. 

The issues that start to arise is you realise that the sugar coated persona you once knew is not an everyday thing. I understand we can’t always be happy go lucky and thoughtful all the time but my issue right now is getting used to the new traits that wasn’t exposed before. 

Im a laid back kind of girl, my persona is warm and inviting. I have some what of patience of a saint so when someone I’m interacting with is very vocal and harshly blunt, it takes me back and I can’t lie it also rubs me up the wrong way. 

Maybe I’m too soft and I need to “man up” and be a little tougher. But why should I have to change who I am to accommodate someone new in my life?. Surly my persona is what attracted this person to my life in the first place. Perhaps it’s a learning phase. An opportunity to learn each other’s differences and grow from it. But at what expense? I’m not prepared to feel indifferent and uncomfortable just so the other person doesn’t. Surely it’s about comprising and understand the dos and don’ts…. hmmm TBC

Makeupless March 

So I’ve been challenged by my boyfriend not to wear any form of makeup for the whole of March to see how I would cope in social settings. Anyone that knows me knows I love a challenge and besides I mostly wear a full face on the weekends anyway so technically it’s only 8 days (4 weekends) I will be deprived for. It’s day 6 into the challenge and I’m feeling good about it especially as I’ve been told I will be rewarded a gift or an outing of some sort. 😍😁

I have today however been thinking it’s quite early into my new relationship to be so plain faced but as he informed me I don’t need it, he must think I look alright as a plain Jane! 

I haven’t really been on snapchat or uploaded any insta pics due to feeling like I look a tad wishy woshy (made up word for blah – plain faced) however I managed to take a snap yesterday in my dressing gown. 😊


Let the challenge commence! He better come through with my gift 😂😉

My feature on Channel 4


Last summer I was approached by my friend to apply for this TV show called How to lose weight well. I had already watched the first series and was really excited to apply for it as managing my weight has always been a constant struggle. Me and my girl filled out the application not thinking that we would actually get a call back so quickly as I assumed thousand other applicants would be applying, so picking us would be slim to none. 
After a brief conversation me and girl had a joint Skype interview so that the producers can get a feel of the friendship and vibe we had together. Later on that week we were confirmed for the show and  was booked to start filming the following month!

Reality started to settle in and I started having major doubts. I was feeling super nervous with how I was going to come across on TV and knowing that the whole world will know my business! After being persuaded and reassured by my girl and the production company I decided to remain as one of the cast members. 

The first day of filming is when the presenter reveals what diet you will be on and how long for. As we were not classified as majorly over weight we was placed on a crash diet for “10 days” I say “10 days” but in reality we were only asked to be on the diet for 7 days. My diet was called the “low fat diet” where I basically had to avoid high fatty foods, takeaways, alcohol and sweet treats. I needed to have 3 square meals with fruit, veg and wholewheat foods such as brown rice, pasta and bread. 

When I read all of this information my first thought was “what weight can I lose eating all theses carbs!?” I was just so used to abusing my body doing the most ridiculous things trying to lose weight that I never really imagine just eating healthy and working out would actually work. 

Throughout my diet week I had to document my journey filming my personal Vlogs alongside filming with the production team. As we were only on the “10 day diet” filming was very demanding and at times felt really intrusive! We filmed everywhere including in the gym where I was filmed sweating it out in my boxercise class. I really made an effort with gym because I really wanted to see a difference within my diet week. 

On the 7th day of the diet it was time to reveal our weight lost just before our event. I was super nervous what the outcome would be but I knew I had stuck to the plan and killed it in the gym! 

I couldn’t not believe that what I saw on the scales! In 7 days eating healthy I lost over 1 stone! I was ecstatic that my hard work paid off. Throughout filming and after we had to keep quiet about featuring on the show so when it was aired on 17/01/17 you can imagine my anticipation with how my friends and family will react seeing me on their TV screens. 

All feedback was so positive for the little they did show of my story. I understand how production works but I was very shocked of the amount of footage that wasn’t not included. I must admit I felt a little cheated. I put so much effort with being truthful and exposed on camera so for It to not have been featured was a little disheartening. 

Following on from my experience I’ve learned to not be negative/ worried about myself and how I will come across to people. My experience has taught me to say yes to daring things and to not be scared of the outcome. I would not personally regard the diet I was placed on as a crash diet. I was not depriving myself from food, just simply eating healthy. Definitely something worth up keeping! Xo

Afternoon Tea with a View


I’ve been meaning to go to Tower 42 in the city for quite some time so when opportunity arised to go on an afternoon date at Vertigo42 champagne bar, I was really looking forward to it. 
Vertigo 42 is one of the city’s highest building and offers lush panoramic views overlooking the city. Everything was perfect, the views were amazing, the food was yummy and the company was even better 😉


We had champagne, a large selection of teas and a delicious selection of sandwiches, scones and tarts. The whole afternoon had a perfect vibe. If you wanted to try something different on a date I would definitely recommend this place! Perfect romantic setting for two 👌🏾

The discovery of Flexi-Rods

Since taking out my weave over a week ago I decided to stop being lazy and try out some different styles. I dug out my beauty box and found my forgotten flexi-rods. It’s super easy to do the only challenging part is when it’s time for bed. Sleeping on a head full of rods is uncomfortable to say the least. The first time I tried this out was on wet hair so when I woke up the next day for work thinking my hair would be dry and full of bounce it was the complete opposite- wet and full of frizz. 

I decided to try it out again but this time on dry hair and it was a success! The only error was that although my hair was curly, due to lack of hair products some of my curls ends were frizzy. 


​​
I decided to start over as I wanted to master the “art” of rod setting so later that day I tried it out again and it was a success! Everyday I see beautiful bouncy big set of curls on instagram and always thought that my hair could not look like that but I’ve found the “key to success” 

Flexi- rods are a perfect way to have bouncy curls with minimal shrinkage. It works well for me as it allow me to not have to leave my house with wet hair in the winter months. 


If you haven’t tried it yet, get you some rods ladies!!! Xox

Weave Free


After going to the gym back to back and having my weave in for 4 weeks it was most definitely time to take it out and let my natural hair breathe. I love the feeling of taking my hair out and massaging my scalp! It’s literally a mouth watering experience 😂🙈
Right after I took it out it was pretty late and I had work the next morning so I gave it a good 2 shampoo washes, followed by conditioner. I then sectioned my hair in 4 parts and combed out the dead hair that had built up whilst wearing my weave. 


I then proceeded to applying Cantu Shea Butter leave-in conditioner, Argan oil hydrating hair mask and coconut oil. 


I can definitely see the growth in my hair now but I must admit I’m guilty of not dedicating weekly TLC to my hair. I need to get back to deep hair treatments and hair massages… perhaps that will increase healthy growth.